Overcoming Fear and Choosing to Stay Positive.
You know the saying, a picture is worth a thousand words, here’s a thousand more to help tell the story from my point of view. I recently had the honor of being La Yoga magazines profiled teacher. The editor decided to get a photographer to take photos of me not doing yoga, but rather, riding a mountain unicycle. I had never met David Young-Wolffe, the photographer, and his wife, and Sherpa, assistant, Pam. We all kind of agreed that I would pick a place to ride that I was familiar with, and David would pick the spots to shoot. So I figured Pasao Mirimar is one of the most scenic and steep fire roads in the Santa Monica Mountains, I ride it alot, and the views are incredible, so lets go that way. We meet for the first time at the trail head. We all start lugging the equipment up, and chatting and getting to know each other. About half way up this steep road, I point out that a single track that may offer some cool photo opportunities. I am no photographer, so it truly is just a guess. I am basically just making David look behind him, in case it is actually good. He looks back and says great, lets shoot here. So we set up, and the first part of the shoot is me riding uphill, vs downhill. Both completely different animals. Uphill sucks, downhill is a blast; however, don’t let it get to out of control, because riding a muni downhill can feel like you trying to stay atop a bucking bull. David sets up, and I ride the uphill a bunch of times til he gets some stuff he is happy with. Then we wander up the single track and are now looking down a steep incline with spectacular views of the Pacific ocean, David walks and slips and slides his way around this steep sandy loose terrain looking for a good place to shoot the downhill photos. He will tell you, it is a struggle to walk, let alone ride this hillside. He finds a place where the trail shoots between two bushes and then drops off to the left into a water rut and ask, “can you ride this”. He has managed to pick one of the most difficult sections of this part of trail. The single track is steep and tilted to the left with water ruts in it, and bushes and obstacles abound. It is relatively challenging for me, and in certain ways pushing my limits, but not too bad; however, mentally David has chosen the worst case scenario. He has no idea that the exact place he is asking me to ride, happens to be the exact place where I had the worst accident ever riding my muni (mountain unicycle). Three years ago, on a rainy day, I decided to go for a ride all alone. That ride at this exact location is where I ended up blowing out my AC Ligament in my left knee. I literally changed my life at this spot. It took me well over a year to recover from this and in many ways, I was still holding onto the physical and mental trauma of the moment. So here I was, stalling, trying to process what to do. Part of me is thinking f@ck this, if I screw up, I am gonna get hurt, and maybe hurt David or Pam. Another part of me is thinking, I have avoided this exact place for the past years purely out of fear. I have ridden harder stuff in many ways, but not the exact spot that injured me. Since the injury, I would fail, each time I had previously tried to “nail” this section of the trail. I would approach it, but then I would back out, just as I would crest over the uphill, always justifying it with some excuse about going easy, be careful, you are getting older, I need to be more careful, I need to have legs that actually work. Foolish stuff like that! Also, at the same time, I am also making sure I keep my ego in check. I entered this photo shoot demanding to myself that I would not get hurt letting my ego try to get a foolish picture for a magazine spread. I knew if that happen, Felicia, Ally, David, and Pam would all kill me, and the yoga community would get a pretty good laugh. So I took a moment alone faking like I was checking the terrain, but really I was mentally wrestling with all of it, and trying to be logical and make a decision to ride it or not. I finally concluded that I would try to ride the top and just go to the point where you can’t turn back and step off. Once I commit to the area between the bushes with the water rut, I pretty much have to nail it, or I am in a heap of trouble. I ride to the no turning back point a few times, each time being forced to bail off the muni. David is shooting and Pam is trying to light it, and both are trying to balance on the incline and avoid me as I jump off and have to run downhill between them scrabbling to not fall and get injured. The photo of me in the air, with the unicycle in the air, is basically approaching that point of no return, I am choosing to back out, and reaching back to control the fall of the unicycle so David and Pam are safe. At this point they are farther below me. After 4 or 5 tries, I begin to realize it is all mental. I conclude that I have defeated myself with fear. I am so concerned with falling and blowing out a knee or hurting them, that it is not possible to ride this line. I am standing at the crest, heart pounding, about to tell David I can’t do it. Then, at that exact moment of giving up, I glance up in the beautiful blue sky, and a pair of Red Tailed hawks are circling in the distance. It took me away from my thoughts and fears for a moment. If you know me, you know I can get distracted from sounds, sights, smells, a bit more easily than others. I feel hyper sensitive at times. In ways it is bad, in ways it is great. I can be “in the moment” fast, however I can forget what we were talking about because a cool looking bird flies by. Well I had my moment with the hawks, and during it, I realized how beautiful and in control they were just riding the wind. No fear, just going with the flow. I realized I was being held hostage by my fear, and it is most likely having a deeper affect upon my life than I have recognized. Avoiding this part of the difficult path, not facing my fears, was far more than me not riding this section of trail and/or missing a photo. Those both will be meaningless when I am in the grave someday. I realized I need to ride this, just to give my soul the confidence it had lost years back when I got physically and mentally hurt at this very spot. At that point, I decide that I need to commit to trying to ride into the fear, past the pain, and out into freedom and bright blue skies. In control, but not too in control. Basically like any good yoga asana should be practiced. In the moment, looking for space with the breath, but not done with ego, or fear, or any negativity, but rather in touch with the heart, nature, and essentially all the energy surrounding the situation, all with a positive attitude. In this case, a stunning trail, filed with life, sunshine, two hawks, and two kind people who have no idea how hard this is, but they sure are smiling and waiting patiently. So I get one foot set on the pedal, locking it in place and jump up on the seat and quickly get my other foot on and begin to descend. The unicycle wants to run away on you when you ride it downhill, especially so on something this steep. In order to control it you must constantly put back pressure on the pedals, essentially slowing it down the whole time you balance. If it gets to much momentum you are in deep shit and it’s gonna be ugly. As I approach David and Pam, I slow a bit, checking my momentum and decide to go for it. As I commit to line I have chosen, I lose sight of David and Pam, and feel completely dialed into the act of trying to ride this difficult line. As I buzz by them, I can only hear the clicking of the camera, and there movement as they pull back making sure I don’t take them out. Then when it is clear, I dismount and walk back up hill to see if they got it. David is grinning as he says, “I think this is it, check it out, looks like a great picture Charlie.” I look at the picture, but don’t really see it, because I am still processing the fact that I just rode the exact line of trail that I had avoided for 2 years out of pure fear. I feel great, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It sure feels good to get rid of a piece of fear in your life. Ridding your mind of something that should really never have been held onto anyway. Life has its ups and downs. Always has, always will. Don’t let fear, lead to inaction. It is a slow death. Fear helps in times of survival warning you of danger. This is the positive side of fear, When fear begins to inhibit your ability to take action, it now becomes a negative influence within you. It no longer serves you, but instead, causes doubt, which can lead to inaction, and possibly failure. Your thoughts will make something scary or not. What you think and portray will lead to action, or inaction. Crazy thing is, most of what you worry and fear, actually never come true. You have just accumulated a bunch of negative thoughts that seem insurmountable. It borderlines pure fantasy at times. My humble advice is to stay positive. This is a battle that you must face and deal with each day. Fight to be positive. Choose to be happy. When negative thoughts flood your brain, STOP! Breathe. Control your thinking, think positive. It is difficult, I fail constantly, but I try. Each victory builds upon itself, and over time, you, and not your circumstances, control your inner smile. Be healthy, be happy, Peace&Stillness, Charlie
“Worry gives a small thing a big shadow”
Swedish proverb
Yoga Rap with Charlie Samos 